


Beloved One

by Angie91



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Death from Old Age, Family, M/M, Mpreg, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 18:23:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1575119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angie91/pseuds/Angie91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McCoy can't fathom why Jim is with Spock. After many years he finds out the truth about their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beloved One

**Author's Note:**

> I have done this story many times in my head for years, and now it is finally out in the open! 
> 
> This story is unbetaed. 
> 
> For the readers of "Creation," I am so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I will most likely change things in the very last chapter and go a different route from what I had been planning. Thank you all so much for reading. I really appreciate it. 
> 
> Enjoy.

McCoy couldn’t wrap his head around how Jim, the care-free devil he was, could be with Spock, the walking computer with a permanent stick up his ass. When the kid looked at him with a pleased grin on his face when he told McCoy that he and Spock were in a relationship McCoy wanted to give the idiot the full psych evaluation to see if he had gone mad. Every time Jim came over for their weekly drink in McCoy’s office McCoy always expected Jim to laugh and say it would have never worked with a Vulcan. But week after week Jim came by with an easy smile and a story about something that happened on the bridge or an away mission. The kid rarely talked about Spock, and McCoy was just fine with that.

Then, Jim got himself knocked up by the hobgoblin. McCoy told Jim and Spock the news, and he looked closely at their faces. Jim’s had a look of surprise and uneasiness but he nodded and managed to smile. Poor kid had to get used to the idea of being pregnant and raising his own kid while commanding a starship. Spock, however, had the same infuriatingly blank face he always had. McCoy wanted to hit him to see if that would get him to react, but McCoy only grabbed the prenatal hypos and put them in a case for Jim to take. Spock then excused himself, leaving Jim without so much as a glance or a word. McCoy’s blood boiled at Spock’s lack of acknowledgment that he was going to be a father and what pissed off McCoy even more was the fact that Spock didn’t even look at Jim. The doctor curled his right hand into a fist while he patted Jim on the back and told the father-to-be what to expect.

McCoy tried his damned best to hold his tongue of what he thought of Spock but one day he couldn’t keep it in anymore. Jim had walked into Sickbay for a check, belly round and heavy with a Human-Vulcan fetus eight months along in gestation. The captain sat heavily on top of a biobed and released a sigh while patting his girth.

“Just one more month, kid,” McCoy said, lifting up Jim’s shirt.

Jim laughed but grunted in pain when the doctor pressed in on his swollen belly. “Careful, Bones. Now I know why pregnant people always say they’re about to pop.”

McCoy smirked and lightened his touch. “So where’s your Vulcan?”

Spock usually attended every appointment, stoic and stiff as ever as he looked at the 3-D image of the fetus while Jim asked McCoy questions of its health. Spock never asked questions or spoke, only listened as McCoy rattled on about the baby’s health and stage in development as well as Jim’s health.

“Spock’s with Uhura going over the music for the Winter Holiday party. I don’t know how she roped him into it but Spock has been dedicated to their practices ever since. ”

McCoy showed Jim the images of his baby as the doctor thought to himself. The ones Spock should be dedicated to were Jim and the baby he helped create. McCoy knew Uhura would have been fine with rescheduling their practice. He released a sigh as he pulled down Jim’s shirt. McCoy couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Why are you with him, Jim?”

Jim gave him a puzzled look as he sat up and pushed himself to his feet. “Why are you asking me that?”

“How can you be with someone who doesn’t feel and can’t even love you?”

Jim crossed his arms and looked the floor, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. He looked up and wore an expression McCoy couldn’t define.

“I don’t need to justify my relationship with Spock to you, Bones. Please don’t ask me again, alright?”

With that Jim left, leaving McCoy no closer to answering the question as to why his best friend willingly stayed with a person who didn’t feel anything for him.

His and Jim’s friendship was strained from that point on. Jim stopped dropping by his office with the excuse that he needed to rest. McCoy would have believed him if he didn’t see Jim sitting with Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty at the mess. When McCoy sat next to Jim at the table Jim only acknowledged him once. He knew Jim would eventually forgive him, but McCoy knew he could never mention Jim and Spock’s relationship again.

Which was extremely hard to do when Spock merely worked the entire time Jim was in labor. McCoy held Jim’s hand as painful contracts overtook his friend’s tired body. After ten hours of labor and pushing with zero complications, Jim gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Spock only came into the delivery room after McCoy commed him to tell him his son was born.  After giving a quick nod of acknowledgment to Jim, the Vulcan held his son in the crook of his left arm as the fingers of his right hand rested on the baby’s face, no doubt to do some of his Vulcan voodoo. Spock’s eyes were closed and his face was peaceful. It was the only time McCoy had seen Spock at peace and McCoy didn’t know what to do with this side of Spock. He finally left to his quarters, giving the new family some privacy after he gave Jim a strong pat on his shoulder.

After a couple of months of recovery, Jim was back to being captain and it seemed their friendship had returned to normal after Soval was born. Jim stopped by his office every week for a drink again and talk about the ship’s latest gossip.

Jim was the chattiest and liveliest man McCoy knew, and while he spoke his hands were always fluttering in movement. One day, however, Jim came in with an air of nervousness and even though he had a glass of brandy in him the kid wouldn’t talk and if he did his tone was anxious and his hands were still.

“Alright, out with it,” McCoy barked.

“Out with what, Bones?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

Jim only looked on the floor and chewed his lip. He finally looked up at McCoy in the eye.

“I know you don't like Spock.”

McCoy couldn't help but snort. Of course he didn’t. All Spock did was drive McCoy up the wall with his condescending tone and damn stubbornness. McCoy couldn’t believe how any sane human could like Spock enough to have a baby with him. And then there was Jim, the second human ever to procreate with a pointy-eared walking computer. McCoy pushed down his distaste and tried to be the friend Jim needed.

“What’s on your mind, kid?”

“Spock and I are going to bond.”

McCoy was about to laugh but he stopped when he saw the kid was actually serious. He sighed heavily and sank back against his chair, drink in hand.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I am. I already had his kid. This is the next step, right?”

“In most Federation cultures, marriage comes before having kids.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jim laughed.  

“I guess I owe you a congratulations, Jimbo,” McCoy said with a weak smile.

“I actually came here to ask you a favor, Bones.”

“Shoot.”

“During a bonding ceremony, each person can have a friend or family member with them. Soval is already going to be there to get Vulcan citizenship, so I was wondering if you would be my best man.”

Jim’s face was equal parts hopeful and doubtful.

“Are you happy, kid?”

A genuine smile slowly brightened Jim’s face. “I am.”

“Then I'll be your best man.”

Jim’s smile widened into a grin. He got up from his chair and walked around the desk to give McCoy a big hug.

“Thanks, man. This means a lot,” Jim said when the two men separated.

“Don’t mention it.”

Jim was about to leave when McCoy said, “Hey, kid.”

Jim turned around. “Yeah, Bones?”

“Can I also give the bride away?” McCoy looked at Jim pointedly. 

Jim rolled his eyes and gave him the middle finger as he left while McCoy laughed until tears ran down his face.

McCoy couldn’t believe he was willingly on New Vulcan where it was hotter than the peak of a Georgian summer. At least in Georgia you get a nice cold glass of Mint Julep and eat a fresh, ripe peach underneath the shade of an oak tree. McCoy could cry at how much he would rather be in Georgia than on New Vulcan.

He was dressed in heavy dark robes and sitting on his ass in a dark room lit only by candles, and he was sweating buckets. He looked over at Jim who wasn’t doing much better. Good thing McCoy remembered to take his hydration hypos with him. Before the ceremony started McCoy jabbed one of the hypos into Jim’s neck. The slapped a hand over his mouth to force himself to keep quiet as he glared daggers into McCoy. McCoy only shrugged and smirked. Jim was going to thank him later.

The bonding ceremony was entirely in Vulcan, which meant McCoy was free to tune it out due to the fact that he “forgot” to turn on his universal translator. To keep himself from getting bored stiff out of his mind, McCoy looked around the room and observed people. His eyes landed on Sarek who was holding Soval in his arms. McCoy then looked to Spock’s counterpart, Selik, who looked far happier than he had any right being or expressing. He then looked at Spock, who looked as blank and as emotionless as ever. McCoy didn’t know how Jim was going to spend the rest of his life with a person who probably only saw their marriage as an obligation and a duty. He wondered if Spock had a modicum of care for Jim.

McCoy’s attention was drawn to the priestess performing the ceremony. She placed one weathered hand on Spock’s face and the other hand on Jim’s face. Jim had told McCoy that Jim’s and Spock’s minds were going to be joined by a bond.  He had stared in horror at the thought of having someone else in his head, reading his thoughts and knowing what he was doing at all times. His only response to Jim was:

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel bad for Spock.”

Jim couldn’t help but laugh at that.

The priestess continued to speak until her hands fell from their faces. With that the ceremony was over and Jim and Spock were seen as married by every Federation planet, and because they shared a bond they could never be separated by Starfleet. McCoy supposed it was good for Soval to have both parents with him, but unfortunately there was a risk he would lose both his parents as well.

McCoy bid Jim congratulations and best wishes before he beamed the hell out of there.

After the five-year mission ended, the _Enterprise_ made its way back to Earth and the majority of the crew were assigned to new ships. McCoy himself was assigned to _Galaxy_ -class exploration vessel called the _USS Frankfurt_ while Spock and Jim took Soval to New Vulcan on sabbatical. Before McCoy left, he gave his best friend a pat on the back and Soval, now three years old, a quick hug. The country doctor hated goodbyes. He made sure his face was as gruff and surly as ever as he turned to Spock.

“Make sure the kid doesn’t kill himself.”

Jim rolled his eyes and Spock did that thing where he raised an eyebrow and looked at you as if you had gone completely insane.

“I will endeavor to prevent his premature death,” Spock said, as emotionless and as infuriatingly as a damn robot.

McCoy nodded and looked at Jim and Soval one last time before he boarded.

It was seven whole years before McCoy saw Jim again. Responsibilities and busy schedules prevented them from comming each other, but he always had Jim in his thoughts.

McCoy had just come back from a short stint in space, and he sure as hell couldn’t wait to head back to Georgia where he belonged. He was about to head on over to his temporary apartment when he heard his name. McCoy looked around and stopped when he saw Spock in full military uniform holding the handle of a suitcase.

“If it isn’t the hobgoblin.”

“Greetings, Doctor McCoy.”

“What brings you here, Spock?”

“I have returned from a three-month exploration mission to study the formation of a star in the Beta quadrant.”

McCoy gave a low whistle at that. Spock and his science minions must have been drooling at the chance of witnessing that rarely seen and that momentous. McCoy was about to say something else when he saw the new stripe on Spock’s uniform.

“When did you become a captain?”

“I was promoted in name approximately 3.7 years ago. However, this mission was my first as captain.”

“Congratulations, Spock. So how’re Jim and the rugrat?”

“You are welcome to see for yourself, Doctor.”

McCoy stood outside Spock’s and Jim’s house with his jaw damn near the ground. It was right in town and within walking distance to the Academy, but it might as well have been in the countryside. It was one of those modern-style houses from the 1950s and 60s with clean, sleek lines and large windows that spanned from top to bottom. The white of the house and the glass shone brightly in the afternoon sun. The two-story house was surrounded by an expansive front yard, and McCoy could only imagine how big the big the back yard was. Despite the constant death risk, it sure looked like being captain had its benefits.

“Would you care to come in, Doctor McCoy?”

McCoy looked over at Spock, who was waiting patiently with his hands clasped behind his back in parade rest. Christ, Spock still had a stick in his ass when he was in his front lawn. The two walked into the house and removed their boots. McCoy and Spock were barely inside when there was a flurry of motion.

“Samekh!” said a girl’s voice.

A young girl of around four years of age ran to Spock and smiled up at him with what could only be Jim’s smile. Looked like Spock and Jim went ahead and had another kid.

“Hello, Amanda. It is pleasing to see you again.”

Spock lowered himself on his knees in front of Amanda and stroked a soft cheek gently with an index finger. Amanda’s smile grew impossibly wider. Spock stood up and returned to parade rest beside McCoy.

Amanda’s bright smile remained on her face as she made eye-contact with McCoy. A look of recognition filled her chocolate brown eyes.

“I know you!”

McCoy could only raise an eyebrow and stare at this little girl who was way too adorable for her own good. She might have inherited Spock’s looks but her personality was all Jim. He decided to humor mini-Jim and asked:

“Who am I?”

“You’re Uncle Bones, of course.”

McCoy slapped a hand over his eyes and internally swore up a storm. Just wait until he got his hands on –

At that moment Jim made his entrance with Soval close behind. Jim’s smile was wide and blinding as ever when he saw McCoy and Spock. The doctor took that moment to really look at his friend after seven years.

Jim’s face remained youthful and boyish with a few added lines here and there and his skin was a shade tanner. McCoy’s travelled down Jim’s body and his eyes widened when he saw that his belly was round and swollen with a third baby.

In a few seconds McCoy had an armful of Jim and rich, throaty laughter filled his ear.

“It’s been a while, Bones. I’ve missed you, man! How are you?”

“Can’t complain now that I’m back on solid ground.”

McCoy patted Jim’s back before Jim let go of him. Jim then walked over to Spock and gave him a light pat on the shoulder.

“Welcome home, Spock.”

“Thank you, Jim,” Spock said with a slight nod.

There was no further physical contact between the two husbands for the rest of evening. Spock, however, made it a point to physically connect with Soval and Amanda by putting a hand on a shoulder or an arm around them in a hug. McCoy had wondered what kind of father Spock would be, but he was not expecting him to be outwardly loving and physically demonstrative.

McCoy spent almost the whole day with Jim’s and Spock’s family, and during that time he learned a great deal. While Amanda’s personality mirrored Jim’s, Soval’s favored Spock’s. He was reserved and serious for a ten year old boy, and his blue eyes were guarded instead of open like Jim’s. Even as a toddler, Soval didn’t cry or laugh as human toddlers would.

The doctor also learned that after Jim and Spock took their year-long leave on New Vulcan, the pair had set out for another five-year mission with Soval in tow. Right after the mission ended Jim and Spock conceived Amanda and settled down on Earth. From then on, they took teaching positions at the academy with the occasional mission in local space.

After dinner and after Soval and Amanda were put to bed, Jim replicated a glass of brandy for McCoy and a cup of tea for Spock before sitting on a chair in the living room with McCoy and Spock.

“Congratulations on the new additions to the family.” McCoy took a sip of brandy and felt his muscles heat and loosen.

Spock nodded while Jim smiled. “Thanks, Bones.”

“Who knew you two would be family men.”

“It is indeed difficult for men in our line of work to balance professional and personal life. Jim and I, however, have made our children our priority,” Spock said, before taking a sip of tea.

“Right, which means being grounded for a good while. In other words, don’t be a stranger, Bones,” Jim said with a wink.

At the door, Jim gave him a strong hug and made him promise to visit. McCoy nodded to Spock and left.

McCoy did visit the Kirk household. A lot. He helped Jim, Soval, and Amanda in the large garden in the back yard planting roses and vegetables while Spock tended to experiments and research. The four of them play catch as well, and it made McCoy sore to say that got pretty winded during the game. Even Jim at eight months of pregnancy was in better shape than McCoy.

He even attended the birth of Jim’s baby, a bouncing baby boy Jim named Samuel George Kirk after his father. McCoy didn’t know how it happened but the kid was born with a head of bright blonde hair. He was almost going to ask Jim if he had a visit from milkman when he saw little pointed ears and upswept eyebrows. Little Sammy Kirk was the most exotic-looking Vulcan McCoy had ever seen. Spock’s eyes even widened at the first sight of his son.

McCoy had stayed in close contact with Jim and his family for almost five years, but like most good things, it came to an end.

McCoy was over for dinner one night, and it had started well enough. The doctor had brought over sweets for the kids and a bottle of wine for him and Jim to enjoy. Jim patted his back amiably and greeted him with a broad smile before heading to the kitchen to finish cooking. McCoy nodded to Spock, who was sitting in an arm chair in the living room reading, and hugged the three youngsters and followed Jim to the kitchen.      

Jim was practically around the large kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off to get dinner together. McCoy offered to help but the kid only replied, “Nonsense!” and continued working. The doctor leaned against the doorway and observed, ready to make himself useful at any moment. Jim fiddled with pots and pans on the stove while stirring mixtures and putting things into the double oven. He was chopping vegetables when he sighed angrily.

“Ah, sh -” said Jim before he cut himself off.

McCoy saw that he was clutching his hand and his face winced in pain. The doctor quickly grabbed his ever-present medkit and grabbed the dermal regenerator. He grabbed Jim’s wounded hand and ran it under hot water to clean it before running the device over the cut to regenerate skin to seal the cut. McCoy observed Jim’s hand thoroughly and deemed it healed.

“Good as new, kid.”

“Thanks, Bones. I’ve chopped vegetables a million times and I still manage to almost cut off a finger.” Jim smiled.

McCoy was going to reply when Spock walked into the kitchen.

“Is there a reason for the delay?”

McCoy and Jim turned to face Spock, who was standing in the entrance to the kitchen. His eyes were cold and blank as usual as he waited for Jim’s answer. McCoy crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. Spock really knew how to piss him off.

“Ah, sorry, Spock. It should be another twenty minutes,” Jim said as he cleaned and disinfected the cutting board.

Spock only nodded and returned to the living room. McCoy was going to say something about nasty about the hobgoblin but he bit his tongue and helped Jim get dinner ready.

McCoy didn’t know how Jim did it, but the kid set the table and brought out the food in under fifteen minutes. Jim bent down and kissed the tops of his children’s heads in apology before sitting down.

After dinner Jim washed the dishes by hand, one of Jim’s many idiosyncrasies, and cleaned the mess he made in the kitchen. McCoy sat with Sam and Amanda and heard about their latest trip to Yellowstone Park while Spock helped Soval with his homework.

He listened to the little ones talk, but inside his head he couldn’t stop thinking about how wrong Spock was for Jim. Spock acted cold and distant toward Jim, not a hint of warmth or care. He never saw them give any hint to the fact that they were married except for the fact they shared a house and three children. From McCoy’s view there was absolutely no affection or love between them to sustain a healthy relationship. Jim, however, never showed any sign he was unhappy which perplexed McCoy more than anything. He couldn’t fathom how the sight of Spock didn’t make Jim’s blood boil as it did McCoy’s.  

The kids were put to bed, and Jim collapsed on the couch next to McCoy. Then Jim quickly stood up, as if he had forgotten something.

“You guys want anything to drink?” he said as he looked to Spock and McCoy.

McCoy looked at Spock and rose an eyebrow. “Why don’t you do anything, Spock? Or are you too comfortable in your chair?”

 Spock answered with his own raised eyebrow while Jim shot him a confused look. “What are you talking about, Bones?”

“The hobgoblin sits on his ass all day while you do every god damn thing like a servant,” McCoy gritted out.

“Bones, I really don’t mind -”

“I do not believe Doctor McCoy is talking about the distribution of responsibilities in our household,” Spock said, looking at McCoy.

Jim gave Spock a confused look.

“Doctor McCoy hasn’t approved of our relationship for more than fifteen years, Jim.”

Jim looked at McCoy with eyebrows furrowed. “I know you didn’t understand at the beginning but you are fine with Spock and me together now, right?”

McCoy simply looked at Jim and crossed his arms, uncertain as to how to respond. Jim’s face expressed his disappointment. And that disappointment set off something in McCoy.

“Of course I’m not fine with it, Jim! How can I be fine when all Spock does is treat you lower than dirt? He doesn’t love you, Jim! Hell, he may even hate you if the damn computer allowed himself to feel.”

Jim’s face hardened and his eyes became narrow. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

McCoy was dumbfounded. Everything he said was true but Jim was going to ignore him and tell him to leave?

“I’m just looking out for you, Jim,” McCoy said gruffly.

“Jesus, Bones. I’m a grown man. If I was unhappy I would’ve done something about it, not wait around for you to save me.”

“Jim, Spock’s not good for you!”

“And what makes you say that?”

“He obviously doesn’t give a damn about you. He married you because he had to.”  

“You know nothing. Nothing,” Jim said, voice loud and harsh. His blue eyes were ice.

McCoy opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Jim’s face of distaste stopped him. He knew his friend only reserved that face for beings who did not have his respect. McCoy felt his stomach drop and he instinctively took a step back. Red hot anger coursed through his veins and heated his face. Jim had just chosen a heartless, walking computer over his best friend of several years. McCoy clenched his hands into fists before turning around. He didn’t look at Spock as he stormed out of the pristine, white house. McCoy never looked back.

Years passed without any word from Jim. McCoy dealt with the situation by burying himself in his work. He volunteered for assignments on starbases and starships, anything to distract himself from the fact that he no longer had Jim and his little rugrats in his life. McCoy also took to drinking on a daily basis. Enough to dull his emotions and sense of loneliness, but not enough to affect the quality of his work. Work had become his priority again, just as it was when he was first starting out in the medical field. Now, however, McCoy allowed himself to seek the comfort of equally lonely women who also wanted to temporarily escape their minds.

He would go days, weeks, and even months without thinking about Jim but when he did he felt anger. Anger that Jim couldn’t see what McCoy clearly saw: that Spock only used Jim, that he was stuck in an unhealthy marriage that he was too blind or god damn stupid to do anything about. Or maybe Spock had brainwashed into staying with him. McCoy wouldn’t put threats and abuse above the cold-blooded Vulcan either. If only Jim had gone to him for help before he was too ensnared in Spock’s clutches.

Years quickly turned into decades. McCoy’s body had wrinkled and grayed and his joints had stiffened and ached with age. Video news feed of Jim’s latest interviews had shown that even Jim Kirk wasn’t immune to aging. His dirty blond hair had turned to into a dull silver by his temples, and wrinkles lined his face. Despite this, Jim’s boyish grin and piercing blue eyes seemed to be stuck in time. Jim was a handsome man no matter what age he happened to be.

McCoy lived a quiet life in his old age. He retired from Starfleet and moved back to Georgia and lived in an old-fashioned house with a calm, old dog for company. Even though he was technically retired, McCoy worked part-time at the local clinic in town. He was happy. He still kept in touch with Nyota, Pavel, Scotty, and Hikaru while holding on to his necessary-for-his-sanity solitude. Also, he more than preferred being on solid ground where the only threats were pesky termites and the occasional bout of severe weather, both of which were predictable and manageable.

Memories and thoughts of Jim and that damned hobgoblin had all but escaped his mind when his comm chirped early one morning. McCoy grunted as he got up from his place at the kitchen table and made his way to the living room.

“Computer, on screen.”

McCoy wasn’t prepared to for who was on the other side of the comm link. An image of Spock appeared on his view screen. The Vulcan looked as stoic and as constipated as ever. Spock hadn’t aged nearly as much as McCoy had, but his skin had weathered throughout the years. His hair, however, had remained as black as space.

Seeing Spock’s face had stirred up the anger and resentment that he had carried around deep inside him. A scowl had twisted McCoy’s face, but he honestly tried his damndest to smooth it into a neutral expression.

“Spock,” McCoy coolly greeted.

“Doctor McCoy,” Spock said as he nodded.

“To what do I owe this conversation?”

Spock seemed to release a sigh. He waited several beats before he said, “Jim has passed away.”

The air left McCoy’s lungs, and he felt as though Spock had punched him in the gut. Being a doctor, McCoy had known death was tightly woven with life. They were two sides of the same coin. It more than surprised McCoy, however, that Jim had died before him. McCoy walked to a nearby chair and collapsed into it. He ran a rough, dry hand over his face and tried to wrap his mind around the fact that his best friend had died. Spock, thankfully, had remained silent.

“Where is he?” asked McCoy.

“San Francisco.”

McCoy nodded to himself. “I’ll be there in an hour.”

With a shaky voice McCoy ended the transmission.

In less than an hour McCoy got off the shuttle from Atlanta to San Francisco. McCoy quickly glanced at the view screens and saw that the news of Jim’s death had not yet been released. He retrieved his luggage and saw Spock waiting for him. The two men were silent in the car ride to the house.

When McCoy and Spock entered the house McCoy immediately picked up on the somber atmosphere. In the expansive living sat Soval, Amanda, and Sam with their respective spouses and children. Sam and Amanda openly expressed their grief while Soval merely sat with his eyes closed and his hands on his knees.

Without a word, Spock led McCoy upstairs to the master bedroom. On the bed laid Jim. Unmoving, still. Nothing like the man McCoy had known. McCoy was motionless. He couldn’t make himself move as he looked at Jim’s body. He was also rooted to the spot when paramedics took Jim away. For all the death McCoy had seen, this was the first time he was in shock at the sight of a dead body.

McCoy didn’t know when he had sat down. He looked around the room and saw Spock looking at him.

“You did not think Jim and I were suited for one another. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” McCoy rasped.

“May I ask why?”

His husband had just died and the damn Vulcan was as cold as ever. His voice was smooth and calm without a hint of grief or sadness. McCoy’s hands turned into fists and his jaw clenched.

“Because you never loved him. He did everything for you and you didn’t give a damn,” McCoy gritted out.

A heavy silence fell between the two men. McCoy looked at the ground while he felt Spock’s gaze burn into him. Finally, after minutes of suffocating stillness and silence, Spock spoke.

“Would you consent to a mind meld, Doctor?”

McCoy had wanted to say no. He didn’t want Spock to be in his mind, seeing everything he thought and felt. McCoy guarded his privacy and secrets like a mama bear protected her cubs. He didn’t want someone poking around in there all willy nilly. At the same time, however, it must be something important if Spock offered. McCoy also couldn’t deny the fact that he was insanely curious. The doctor nodded and Spock took a seat next to him.

Spock placed three cool fingers on McCoy’s face: one at his forehead, one at his cheek, and one at his chin.

McCoy’s world was overturned and he felt dizzy as Spock’s consciousness entered his. Then he felt as though a curtain had dropped between his and Spock’s mind, and a wave of emotions that weren’t his hit him. From the jumbled cacophony of emotions McCoy could sense bone-deep melancholy and mourning. Feelings of desperation and hopelessness completely filled McCoy until he thought he was going to burst from the sheer force of emotions he was experiencing. He wanted to pull to Spock’s hand away from his face, but then something else happened.

Vivid Images and memories filled his mind. They were all of Jim in various stages of his life. His smiles, his laughter, his eyes, his tears. Everything. Spock had remembered and catalogued everything.

_Blue eyes shone and twinkled across the table from him. Full, sensual lips curved into smiles and parted to release deep throaty laughter. Those same, soft lips met his in a kiss farewell. He wanted more of this being, to dive into Jim and never resurface._

_Sweet heat surrounded him as his hips rocked against Jim’s body. Blue eyes darkened with dilated pupils and soft gasps and moans fell from pink lips. Hands caressed and groped, wanting to feel more skin. Just feel. His mind was blissfully quiet. He needed this, needed to lose himself completely in the pliant, accepting body beneath him. To get lost and never be found._

_His hands and lips roamed swollen, tight flesh. Within was his child. He was going to be a father. He met Jim’s eyes and he kissed Jim’s lips. This being was everything. He buried his face in Jim’s neck and breathed and tasted salty, warm skin. A hand found the back of his head and stroked his hair lovingly. He wrapped his arms around this warm being, feeling as warm as bathing beneath Vulcan’s suns. That’s where he stayed, flush against the human’s body until he needed to leave and assume his role as acting captain. He placed on a hand on Jim’s belly and placed a kiss on smiling lips. His eyes greedily roamed over full, fertile flesh and blue eyes before he left his home behind._

_A feeling of heaviness resided inside him. Blue eyes didn’t shine as bright and pink lips no longer curved upward. He was helpless. All he could do was place a hand on Jim’s round belly in an attempt to soothe and comfort. Tears fell and all he could do was wipe them away. Arms wrapped around him tight, holding him close as soft, sweet whispers softly caressed his ear. His own arms cradled the warmth and pulled it close against himself. Only Leonard McCoy could ease this pain._

_Soon the light returned and he basked under its warmth and glow._

_He needed to focus, he needed to concentrate. If he did not, he was only going to rush to Jim’s side and only increase Jim’s fear and anxiety. No, only peace and calm were needed. He worked, doing what was expected of him. He needed to maintain order and efficiency. He must behave as his father’s kin did, awaiting patiently to greet his child. Once the time came he saw his human, relieved and worn. Happiness, all was well. He was pulled toward Jim. His body knew where to go, but once he regained awareness of his surroundings he changed course and met his son. Warm, just like the being who bore him. Soft, plump cheek beneath his fingers. Soval._

_Darkness save for low-burning candles. An unfamiliar hand before he felt Jim slip into his mind. Yes. His friend and bearer of his child. The being whom he could speak with about anything, the being who sang soothingly when Soval could not sleep. Home. Bright and warm within his mind. Golden._

Then, time and images seemed to move faster.

_Strong, sturdy hands soothed him in private while he took comfort in the touch of skin. Skin, soft and warm, intoxicating scent. Skin that had stretched with new life. Skin that slowly aged over time. Skin once firm began to sag and skin once smooth began to wrinkle. He was foolish. He had forgotten how finite life was. That fact made every smile, touch, and laugh more precious than ever before. He also took great comfort when he saw Jim in his children’s faces. In his children’s mischief and expressions of joy and sadness. In their intelligence and determination and the love he felt for them and from them._

_His human continued to age and weaken, but the human’s eyes never dulled and the human’s quick wit never slowed. Jim’s love continued to burn inside him, lighting him from within. Jim’s warm hands, Jim’s warm body, Jim’s warm lips brought him pleasure and solace. And when his human slept he watched his human’s chest rise and fall with each precious breath. He rested a hand on the being’s chest to feel a strong, steady heartbeat._

_Silence. Absolute stillness. Every little movement or noise disturbed the heavy air. He felt a chill run through his weightless body. He was aimless, without focus. No future._

_Blue eyes would no longer greet him in the morning with groggy affection, or gaze up at him with pure, wanton lust and desire. Loving, caring fingers would no longer ruffle his hair in jest or caress his skin in comfort. Strong yet gentle arms would no longer welcome him home or wrap around his needy body. Soft, sensual lips would no longer kiss his tears away or curve beautifully in a smile._

_His mind was desolate and barren. The light had gone out._

The mind meld ended, and McCoy regained awareness of his body and his environment. Anguished sobs tore through his body, leaving his ribs sore and his throat raw. He scrubbed the tears away and breathed deeply to regain his composure. Once he was calm, McCoy looked at Spock. The Vulcan was as severe and as stoic as ever, but McCoy now knew that something very different was going on behind those eyes.

“You loved him,” McCoy said, voice rough and raspy.  

Spock’s face appeared almost ashen.

“Yes,” Spock said, heavily and tiredly.

Guilt weighed heavily in McCoy’s gut thinking about the last day he saw Jim.

“He hated me, didn’t he?” McCoy sighed. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor.

Spock waited before answering, “Jim never bore any ill will toward you, Leonard.”

McCoy’s head snapped up to look at Spock. “What?”

“Jim only mourned the loss of your presence as well as the animosity between you and myself.”

McCoy felt new tears spring to his eyes, but he roughly rubbed them away. All of the guilt and regret he had tried to push down came up to the surface and overwhelmed him. Then, amongst the guilt and regret, anger came to the forefront.

“Why the hell didn’t you do anything? Not once did you show an _ounce_ of care for Jim.” McCoy’s voice was rising.

“Unlike Vulcans, I do not rationalize or temper my emotions through logic, but like Vulcans I do not express my emotions to those of whom I do not share a familial or marital bond. In your presence I was not affectionate toward Jim. That – That is something I regret,” Spock said.

The Vulcan closed his eyes and breathed deeply. His left hand clenched in a fist at his side before relaxing.

“Forgive me, Leonard. I have not meditated since...” Spock trailed off. He opened his eyes.

Spock looked utterly lost. His eyes. His eyes gave McCoy a glimpse of what he was feeling. Spock’s unfocused eyes reflected a level of anguish McCoy had not seen in all his years as a doctor.

Fuck. McCoy knew what do with an angry, violent Vulcan hopped up on foreign substances from Theta IV. A phaser on stun worked wonders. But a Vulcan who had just lost a bondmate of more than fifty years that day, McCoy was entirely out of his element. But he got up and stood by him. He placed an uncertain hand on Spock’s shoulder and stayed there. Spock was completely still, so unmoving that he looked like a statue carved out of pale marble. One wrong move and Spock would fall and crumble into sharp, jagged pieces.

“Hey, Hobgoblin,” McCoy whispered. “Your kids and grandkids need you. They lost someone, too, you know.”

Spock slowly nodded. Before his breaths were short and hallow, but they had steadied out and turned into calm, deep breaths. His eyes regained focus. McCoy breathed a sigh of relief and sat down again to rest his aching joints. Spock sat down as well and clasped his hands together. Poor guy was barely holding on, but he kept it together.

“What are you going to do now?” McCoy whispered.

“I will stay for the time being to provide support to my children and grandchildren before I relocate to New Vulcan to ensure the health of my mind,” Spock said softly and evenly.

McCoy nodded. Vulcans and their mental voodoo.

Spock turned to face him. “You are welcome to stay for as long as you wish, Leonard.”

McCoy is both surprised and not. “I’ve got nothing better to do,” McCoy says gruffly.

Spock then stood up and said, “I must alert Starfleet Headquarters of Jim’s passing.” Spock walked to the door, but stopped. “Leonard.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know what ‘Soval’ means in Vulcan?”

“No, I don’t.”

“From the honored beloved one.”

**Author's Note:**

> A list of Vulcan names and their meanings can be found here: http://kirshara.wordpress.com/tag/vulcan-names/
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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